Lease! A lesson on Relationships
by LadyHelenaGray
Summary: Mark is sad because of the fighting going on between his friends. So a Magical Witch has come to help him out.


LEASE!

(Open in Mark and Roger's apartment. Mark is fiddling with his camera, Rodger is playing his guitar)

Mark: Close up on Mark, who's back to filming off script, because all his scripts have been misplaced…

Roger: You mean burnt?

Mark: Yeah…Fade in on Roger. What are you up to?

Roger: What do you think?

Mark: Roger's working on writing one great song before…

Roger: I die.

Mark: Don't say that.

Roger: It's true.

Mark: (To the camera) A few years back, Roger's girlfriend, April, left a note saying "we've got AIDS" before slitting her wrists in the bathroom.

Roger: Yes, thank you for bringing that up. I'm glad my painful memories are being used to fuel your work.

Mark: Sorry… Roger you look a little down today, are you alright?

Roger: Yes, yes Mark. I am perfectly fine, you know I'm only dying that's all, but I'm fine.

Mark: He always gets like this when he's upset about something. What is it this time? You still mad at Benny?

Roger: What does it matter?

Mark: Oh, so it's Mimi. Mimi lives down stairs, and also has HIV. They were going strong until they hit a little bump.

Roger: When are you going to turn that camera off?

Mark: When you stop playing. (Roger rolls his eyes) Look maybe you should let it all out.

Roger: I just don't know what to do. I think Mimi might have relapsed; I keep telling her and telling her-

Mark: You mean yelling-

Roger: But nothing seems to be working. And I've heard all these rumors about her. That she's hanging around with Benny.

Mark: They're just rumors.

Roger: I just know she's messing around on me.

Mark: Mimi would never do that.

Roger: She's my everything! How could she do this to me!

Mark: Don't you think you're jumping to-

Roger: No, it's better this way. She's better off without me; I don't care how much it kills me inside. I'm nothing without her.

Mark: Have you ever thought of _telling_ that to her?

Roger: I mean I'm not nothing, I still have my stunning good looks and musical talent, But I'm dead inside.

Mark: You're not listening to anything I'm saying are you?

Roger: Mark, I don't care about your camera! I have real problems!

Mark: You never listen to me.

Roger: Without her, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows, the flowers bloom, the stars gleam, the sun burns-

Mark: Oh God, here he goes again, I'll never hear the end of this.

Roger: The oceans crash, the moon glows, the pulse beats, the heart yearns! Life goes on, but I'm gone.

Mark: You know you can be such a drama queen sometimes. (Knocking) Look, why don't you tell that to _her_, instead of giving this speech to me… every other day.

Roger: Yes your scarf looks fine, would you get the door? (Enter Mimi)

Mimi: Roger? Roger I-

Roger: Look, light your own damn candle I'm busy.

Mimi: Don't talk to me like that!

Roger: Fine. Would you please leave me the hell alone?

Mimi: How is that better?

Roger: Look, I'm busy!

Mimi: Doing what?

Roger: Composing!

Mimi: How long does it take you to write one song!

Mark: That's what I said.

Roger & Mimi: Shut up, Mark!

Mimi: You know some times I think you like that stupid guitar more then you like me!

Roger: Her name is Cindy! I mean, yeah well at least my guitar isn't a two timing cheater!

Mimi: What?

Roger: That's right, I know about you and Benny!

Mimi: Nothing is going on between me and Benny! Yes we dated but that was before I met you!

Roger: Oh, I'm supposed to believe that!

Mimi: Yeah, you're supposed to trust me.

Roger: Well, I don't. (Hurt Mimi goes to leave) Mimi, wait! I should tell you, I should tell you… You know what, never mind. (Exit Mimi. Roger goes back to playing guitar)

Mark: What the hell was that!

Roger: I'm sorry did you say something?

Mark: Why are you treating her like that? I thought you loved her?

Roger: Of course I love her, she understands me, she's beautiful, we both have emotionally scarred backgrounds… (Dreamily) and you haven't lived until you've seen her lawn chair-hand cuff dance.

Mark: Why don't you tell her then?

Roger: Mark relationships are difficult. You wouldn't understand.

Mark: I wouldn't understand! I've been dumped by every girl I ever dated! And I'm still upset about Maureen.

Roger: How is the drama queen?

Mark: She dating someone new… named Joanne.

Roger: (Laughs) That's not a problem!

Mark: You know what Roger? You're way to caught up with your own stuff to care about anyone else! This is hard on me too!

Roger: Oh Poor Baby, it must be so hard to be healthy, and run around all day to film something that will never get made. You hide behind your camera and detach from everything!

Mark: Ouch. Okay ouch.

Roger: Why are you telling me what to do anyway?

Mark: I'm just trying to help; I thought I was your best friend.

Roger: Well you thought wrong. (Exit Roger)

Mark: (Sits on the couch dejectedly) Maybe he's right. My film's never gonna get made. Then what do I have? I couldn't get Maureen to stay with me, I can't help Roger and Mimi, all my friends are dying, even Roger doesn't care about me any more. Oh, just face it, Mark, no one loves you. I have nothing to live for.

Linda: (Jump out from behind the coach) Don't say that!

Mark: Oh my God!

Linda: You have plenty to live for!

Mark: How did you get in my house!

Linda: And I'm here to show you!

Mark: How long have you been there?

Linda: Long enough to know that your life sucks.

Mark: Thanks. Who are you?

Linda: I'm Linda the good witch of the North.

Mark: Don't you mean Glenda?

Linda: Look, I don't tell you how to do your job, so you don't- well I guess that is what I'm here to do. Anyway, Mark Cohen, as I said your life freakin' sucks and you think you have nothing to live for, and I'm here to show you that's not true and make your life all better!

Mark: (Uncomfortably) Yay?

Linda: So what's ailing you Marky?

Mark: Where do I start, I living in a heatless apartment with my 'best friend' Roger, who never listens or pays any attention to me. He thinks just because I'm not sick I have nothing to worry about. I'm worried sick about him-

Linda: Now, when you say 'best friend' do you mean best friend or 'best friend'?

Mark: What?

Linda: You know the kind of best friends that share a bowl of popcorn on a coach, or the 'best friends' that share a bowl of strawberries in a hot tub?

Mark: NO! We are only friends. And, if I can continue, my next problem is the fact that Roger is having trouble with his _girlfriend_ Mimi. I'm not sure how to help them.

Linda: Aw, that's sweet of you.

Mark: And, I always feel like I'm the one who's left out. All my friends have partners but me. I have a horrible love life. I just got dumped not too long ago, and I haven't really gotten over it yet. Her name was Maureen.

Linda: (Laughs) And she dumped you for a women. I heard.

Mark: You're just as understanding as Roger.

Linda: Oh, don't get your panties in a twist. Did you love her?

Mark: Yeah, but she wasn't all that good to me. She cheated with many, many, men… and women

Linda: And how did that make you feel?

Mark: I feel unloved, unwanted if you will.

Linda: Well that's not too bad is it? We can fix this. Okay we need to save Roger and Mimi's relationship, save yours and Roger's relationship, help you get over Maureen , and get you some self- esteem, because you're worth it. What do you think is wrong with your friends?

Mark: Trust… communication. They fight all the time and I just don't think it's healthy.

Linda: I have an Idea, you need to show them what a healthy relationship looks like.

Mark: My friends Angel and Collins have a pretty good relationship, we could talk to them.

Linda: Great, I'll use my adorable magical powers to summon them. I'll be right back.

Mark: Well that should be one thing taken care of. I still don't know what to do about Maureen though… ( phone rings)

Mark: (Picking it up) Hello? Maureen? Your equipment won't work? Fine, alright, I'll go! (Exit. Lights go down. Come back up with Angel walking in)

Angel: Mark, honey darling? Are you here? Oh, this place is a mess, those naughty boys, it's a pigsty. (Enter Collins)

Collins: Sweetie, why did you want to come here again?

Angel: You know I'm not so sure. Maybe it's just women's intuition. Or, the fact that a drag queen came up to me and said that it would be good to check on them.

Collins: And you did what she said?

Angel: It's the drag queen code, we all trust each other.

Collins: Right on. Where are they? Oh, by the way are you ready for my lecture tomorrow night?

Angel: Tomorrow! But we have to go to the Life support meeting.

Collins: But darling we always go to the meetings, and there are people who really want to hear my lecture on alternate realities.

Angel: Yeah, but I wanted to give everyone my heart felt and playful pep talk.

Collins: Well, you can do that any time! You should be there for me.

Angel: You should be there for me too! Look, I hear what you're saying, how about you just start your lecture a little later, and then we only stay for half of the meeting. Best of both!

Collins: I guess that could work. Baby, you're such a good problem solver.

Angel: Oh, I love you honey bear!

Collins: I love you sweet lips.

Angel: Sugar Pie!

Collins: Cutie Bootie. (Enter Mimi)

Angel: Hey, girl how's it going, you don't look too well.

Mimi: I was just looking for Roger… we're having some problems.

Angel: What's going on, honey?

Mimi: I'm just so frustrated! He never listens to me at all! And he just assumes all these things about me. He doesn't trust me at all! Every time I try to talk to him, we just yell at each other.

Collins: Maybe you should just calmly tell him how you feel. But, in an inviting way, not a blaming way, like with 'I' messages.

Mimi: What are 'I' messages?

Angel: Girl !they are the best for communication. It's where you us the word 'I' instead of you when your trying to tell someone something. You're telling them how you feel without blaming them. Okay, sweetie, next time you see Roger don't say "You never listen to me!" say "I wish you would try to understand how I feel". And soon your relationship will be as happy as ours. (Hugs Collins) Love you honey bunny.

Collins: Doll face.

Angel: Lamp chop. Ha! We love each so much it's sickening!

Collins: Are you feeling okay though, Mimi, you look a little sick.

Mimi: No, I'll be find. I'm going to keep looking for Roger.

Angel & Collins: Bye!

(Lights go down for time passage. Come back up, enter Mark.)

Mark: Well that was a huge waste of time! (Enter Linda) Oh hey, so did you get Angel and Collins to meet with Mimi and Roger?

Linda: Ah… not exactly. Okay I used your powers to get Angel and Collins here, and then Mimi just showed up on her own, but I couldn't find Roger. So… yeah… let's think of a new plan. Where were you by the way?

Mark: I went to go help Maureen but no one was there.

Linda: Why are you helping her! I thought she broke your heart?

Mark: Yeah but I couldn't really say no.

Linda: It's easy. No! See?

Mark: I don't know…

Linda: Well, let's move on, what should we do about you and Maureen?(Enter Joanne, Linda hides behind coach).

Joanne: Maureen? Oh, where is that girl?

Mark: Ah, who are you? Wait… are you, Joanne?

Joanne: Are you… Mark? (They nod) This is weird.

Mark: Wow, when Maureen said she was with a woman I pictured someone a little more…

Joanne: A little more what?

Mark: Never mind… (Enter Maureen)

Maureen: Pookie! What are you doing here? (Sees Mark) Oh, how's it going sweetie?

Joanne: I could ask you the same thing.

Maureen: What do you mean?

Joanne: Are you cheating on me with your ex?

Maureen: (Laugh) Why would I cheat with him of all people? I can do way better.

Mark: Hey.

Joanne: But you are cheating! I've seen you flirt with every girl you see, that's all you do.

Maureen: It's just flirting, and besides it doesn't matter what I do with other people when I'm coming home to you every night.

Joanne: What's wrong with you! You need to be faithful to me!

Maureen: You need to stop being such a control freak. You never stop following me around! And you should consider yourself lucky! People would kill to fill your shoes!

Joanne: Oh, you little…(To Mark) Would you excuse us for a minute? (Pulls Maureen off to the side. The two fight loudly as Linda and Mark talk)

Mark: Oh my God…

Linda: Are they always like this?

Mark: No, it's just… this is exactly what we acted like when we were together.

Linda: So she cheated and treated you like crap and you can't get over her? Please, you deserve better then that.

Mark: I guess she did make me feel bad about myself.

Linda: You need to tell her off! Here (Starts writing stuff down)

Joanne: That's it Maureen! We're over! (Exit Joanne)

Maureen: Oh, that's too bad. Hey, Marky, you busy? Maybe we could get together and reminisce? How about tonight? Oh, wait I'm supposed to meet Jill and Rick, you remember Rick, right? You could come too. You can bring your camera! Oh, and if you could pick up my laundry on the way too, that would be great.

Mark: Ah… well the thing is…no.

Maureen: What?

Mark: No I don't want to get back with you.

Maureen: But you adore me.

Mark: Yeah but you, your not the, what I mean is… (Linda hands him a paper) Maureen, you have never been a good girlfriend and have wronged me for the last time. I do not need you in my life anymore, in fact, I deserve better. Now, I may look like an effeminate loser, with poor self -esteem and no chance of ever getting a girlfriend again…what? But I have confidence in myself, and now I'm better off with out you.

Maureen: Whatever. (Exit Maureen)

Linda: See you really don't need her. Feel better?

Mark: As insulting as your note was, yes.

Linda: Hey, this is the first time I actually helped someone I was sent to. Most times I just make things worst.

Mark: That's reassuring…

Linda: Oh, and I have big news. I saw Mimi with that Benny guy and-

Mark: Wait, I think I hear someone coming.

Linda: I'll hide (Exit Linda. Enter Roger)

Mark: Where were you?

Roger: Where I always am when I'm depressed, walking hopelessly around the city, in the cold, the wind blowing through my perfect hair, looking moody yet sexy at the same time.

Mark: Have you decided what to do about Mimi yet?

Roger: I have. (Enter Mimi)

Mimi: Roger, can we talk? I really wish you would try and understand-

Roger: No. As I was saying, I was walking-

Mimi: Looking moody and sexy with perfect hair?

Roger: Of course. I saw you and Benny sitting in a café. I have my proof.

Mimi: Roger you don't-

Roger: I'm leaving.

Mimi: What? Roger, why?

Roger: It's over, you can stay with Benny for all I care. And without you there's nothing for me here.

Mark: Wow, I'm standing right here! Hello?

Roger: No, Mark, I'm afraid this is goodbye. (Mark sighs and rolls his eyes) I'm leaving now for Santa Fe.

Mimi: Why on Earth do you think moving to Santa Fe will solve anything? It won't!

Roger: But it has tumble weeds, and long deserts where I can wander looking back at the bittersweet story of my life.

Mimi: But how could you just…Oh, Roger I should tell, I should tell… I never liked your hair!

Roger: How could you! I never want to see you again!

Mimi: Goodbye, love. (Exit)

Linda: What wrong with you!

Roger: Mark, why is there a cross -dresser in our house?

Linda: I'm not a cross dresser I'm a good witch who's come to help you and Mark!

Roger: No amount of magical women that hide in my house can fix my broken heart.

Linda: (Hit him with wand) Stop being such a whiney little jerk and listen! Do you want to know why she's been hanging around him? Because he paid for her to go to rehab, and is going to group support meetings with her to make sure she stays clean! Something you were too 'busy' to do.

Roger: Oh no. How could I have been so blind! Only now that she's gone ,do I realize that I truly do want to be with her! I should have listened!

Linda: Good communication is key for a good relationship.

Roger: Woe is me! I must fine her!

(Lights down. Rise with Roger with his guitar and Mark with his camera)

Mark: And we're back. Roger found his song, now if he could just find Mimi.

Roger: I tried.

Mark: He has also learned how not to be an insensitive jerk. Right, Roger?

Roger: Yeah, it looks fine.

Mark: Well, kind of. On the plus side I'm over Maureen, and I think filming my friends will turn out to be better then my scripts. It's a little sad when your life has more drama in to then the movies, but I'm okay with that.

Linda: (Off stage) Mark! Roger! (Comes in supporting Mimi) It's Mimi, she been living on the street, I think she's dying!

Roger: No! (Linda and Mark help to lay Mimi and the coach. Roger kneels beside Mimi) Speak to me!

Mimi: Roger… I should tell you (Coughs)

Roger: What?

Mimi: Me and Benny, we-

Roger: I know. Oh, Mimi I'm so sorry, I don't know why it took me so long to realize the truth that you've been trying to tell me for some time. And about me leaving, well I'm staying here with you, just please don't die on me!

Mimi: I should tell you (Coughs) I love you. (Closes her eyes and coughs some more)

Linda: Aw…

Roger: Really? Oh, I can't tell you how… yes I can. Mimi if you can hear me, this is for you (Start to strum his guitar and sings) _Your_ _eyes_, _as we said our good-_

Mark: Roger! She's dying for God's sakes you don't have time to sing her a song, just tell her!

Roger: Thank you, Mark for killing the mood. You're so unromantic! Mimi, I should tell you, I should t-

Mark & Linda: Just tell her!

Roger: I have always loved you! Mimi? (Shakes her) I-I think she's dead… Why? She dies just as I tell the most important thing I've ever said to her! This is all like some terrible, tragic opera! Why! Mimi! Mimiiiii!

Mimi: (Sitting up) I'm not dead you idiot!

Roger: You're alive!

Mimi: Did you even check my pulse?

Roger: It doesn't matter, Mimi I love you, I should have listened, I'm sorry.

Mimi: Thank You. But don't you think there's some else you should say that to too?

Roger: Mark, I know I haven't been the best of friends to you.

Mark: It's okay.

Roger: No, I should have been more considerate of you. The fact is, you are my best friend, and I don't know what I'd do without you.

Mark: Apology accepted. (The two share unusually long, unusually affectionate hug)

Mimi: (Clears her throat, Roger pushes away Mark)

Roger: Yes all is well, now (Holds out his arm waiting for Mimi to hug him)

Mimi: What was that?

Roger: Have I ever told you how exquisite your hair looks in the moon light?

Mimi: But…

Roger: You're beautiful.

Mimi: Aw (Hugs him, as they hug, Roger looks back at Mark, when Mimi puts her head up he turns back, they smile at each other.)

Mark: Just look at the couple. Well at least they get a happy ending.

Linda: And why shouldn't you? Mark, you're a great guy, a girl would be luckily to have you. You know we should go out for coffee some time.

Mark: Sure!

Mimi: We should go on a double date! It's a happy end all around!

Roger: So our lives aren't like an opera, more like a musical.

Mark: Hmm…(Picks up his camera) A musical about our lives, you know that's not a bad idea.

Roger: Oh, Please, A musical with this many social issues where half the characters have AIDS? Mark, I just don't think it would catch on.

End


End file.
